Journal

September 4, 2008 - the good, the bad and the ugly - I'll start with the ugly. Doing the high resistance exercises, has, I think, strained all the muscles and sphincters connected to my bowels and bladder. Last week I was having a tough time making it to the toilet or even out of bed and everytime I thought I had to let wind, there was more to it than that - if you get my drift. Not nice. So, Nate and I are easing up on the really heavy resistance stuff. I think I could push a couch across a room, I was pushing so hard. My old bod isn't used to that nor is it up to it.
The bad is that I haven't lost any weight. It's still the same at 157. Disappointing but all I can say is at least it hasn't gone up. To remedy that, I'm going to be more careful with my portions and try and get in some food every four hour - no matter what. Sometimes I go 16-17 hours without food and my body is likely going into starve-mode and shutting down when I do that.
The good is that J.B. took another body profile yesterday and that might prove to be a positive AND another good thing. I thought it might help if I walked with my walker while Nate is here because he's here regularly and walking makes me use a lot of big muscles in my back, buttocks, stomanch and my hanstrings. I walked from my office into the front room and back and I was surprisingly stronger. It was marvellous. No more hanging onto the walker for dear life. No more sweating it out though I did eventually work up a sweat. I was really up there and it was terrific.
So, disappointing on one hand with no weight loss but gains all round in other ways. Onward!
My newspaper column last Saturday was all about this. A friend at Betty's Restaurant came up to me on Sunday and said she didn't expect to see me there anymore after reading it. No way. My one exception is brunch at Betty's on Sundays. I don't pig out but I do have a few things I really like such as poached salmon and a strip of bacon but no desserts.

Aug. 8, 2008 - more good - J.B. Podolak, the dietician I'm working with sent back the results of the last body profile. Her's her message: You are amazing! The latest result indicate you now have 80.1 pounds of fat. The previous results indicated 81.4 pounds. You have also increased in lean tissue (muscle). You are now 76.9 pounds of lean tissue and the last one was 75.6 pounds. Keep up the great work.
Nate wrote: One pound of fat loss and over a 1 pound muscle gain are you kidding me?! That's incredible! Congratulations and keep up the good work. -Nate
So, slowly it's changing. A long way to go yet but the good thing is I'm building muscle not just losing weight.

August 7, 2008 - good things - I've been working out with Nate twice a week and have seen JB. Everything is positive. While the results regarding to weight loss aren't spectacular, I have gained muscle and lost a few pounds. Nate took measurements this morning and my chest measurement has gone from 42 to 41. I can tell because it's easier to get my bra done up. I have to do it up in front because my thumbs are paralysed and I can't do it up behind my back. After it's done up I turn it around.The more it's stretched the more difficult it is to turn it around. It's getting easier and I notice a few small wrinkles in the cup. That means eventually I'll need a smaller cup size and that's just great.
I've lost an inch off my waist - from 36 to 35, an inch and a half off my hips from 46 to 441/2, my thighs stayed the same at 22 and my shoulders stayed the same at 41 but my upper arms went from 14 to 12". You can see what's being worked on and how it's affecting my body. It's all good.
I'm also finding that I enjoy working out with the latex bands between sessions with Nate and do it while watching TV.
J.B, the dietician, was here yesterday. She did another body profile test and gave me the results of the last one that she had previously e-mailed me. We'll see if things have changed yet again. They should. She doesn't have the resuts from the blood tests although the doctor got them and his secretary says he marked them as fine. We'd like to see them. I'd like to know if they can shed any clue to why I'm so bruised all the time. A couple of weeks ago I counted 17 bruises on my thighs. I think there are only about four now but is that normal? I doubt it.
Yes, its slow and sometimes I get discouraged. I won't be weighing myself again until Aug. 20th. As long as it's going down, I'm happy but one never knows. However, no one said it won't go down the next time or the time after that. There are no deadlines for this to happen. I'm still recording what I eat and notice a definite pattern. When I'm bored, worried, sad, or ticked at my husband, I eat. When I'm happy, I forget to eat. When I'm excited about a work project and it's going well, I forget to eat. Bioh not good. I have to get on an even keel and eat what I should no matter what my emotions are prompting me to do.
I found out the hard way that I really do need to eat every four hours or so to keep my metabolism running smoothly or at least while I'm not asleep. Last Tuesday morning I woke up feeling terrible. I was ready to cry at every turn. What was wrong? Then I figured out I'd had my last meal at 5p.m. the night before and it was now 10 a.m. I hadn't eaten for 17 hours. Everything was crash and burn. I had a decent breakfast of two fairly good-sized mushrooms, 1/4 green pepper sauteed in Pam wth egg beaters; yogourt with raspberries and sunflower seeds plus vitamins and creatine and an hour later I could take on the world again. What a difference food makes...to your body and your brain.
Why are my shoulders burning but numb when I poke them and like rocks right now? Went from a workput right to the computer for two hours. Maybe that's why. Nate?

July 24, 2008 - everything positive - Blood taken on Tuesday morning to see if I'm getting everything I need through my diet an supplements. Should know in a couple of weeks.
When I told JB I was disappointed she eventaually came back to me with the result of my body profile test. She wrote, "Guess what. You are amazing. Your body fat % stayed the same however you did have body changes. Last time you had 82.5 pounds of fat and now you have 81.4 pounds. A difference of 1.1 pound. Great result. Your lean tissue also changed. The last time you had 75 pounds of lean and now you are 75.6. So the .5 pound in weight loss was also a change in your whole body. Keep up the great work."
That made me feel better. I've seen Nate three times since and we're working hard on developing back and butt muscles and stengthening my shoulders. I'm not having as much shoulder pain in the bad shoulder. I'm also able to turn over better in bed and lift myself off the toilet and couch more easily.
Yesterday I needed to get out of the house and after a short consult appointment went shopping for a change of tops. I wear the same things year after year and rarely wear anything out. I get sick of it before I wear it out. I was able to find a square-necked tank which is truly rare, several low scoop-neck tanks, a lovely fancy white v-neck top with ruching below the bust that will look really lovely under a jacket for the Terry Fox Award and two v-neck, capped sleeve tops in brown and white that look really lovely. Now if I can only get rid of those wings I have hanging off my upper arms, they'll look even better. I'm using wrist weights and lifting them with my hands above my head pointed backwards to work those muscles on the back of my upper arms. A yellowand white three-quarter sleeve cotton sweater and a dark brown gauzy shirt with sleeves I can wear up or elbow-length made up the remainder of my purchases. I don't shop often but, when I do, I tend to buy. Everything is on sale. Even better.

July 16, 2008 - two weeks - half a pound - Weighed myself this morning and I am down a half a pound. Disappointing to say the least but I was told it would be slow. JB, the dietician, came this afternoon and redid the body profile test to make sure I'm not wasting muscle exercising. I may have built muscle that is heavier than fat. The test will tell us if anything has changed. I am a bit discouraged by this but vow to keep going. JB says I'll be under 150 pounds by Christmas. What a special gift that would be!. I hate the feeling of that roll around my waist and the look of the fat around my back that bulges out under my bra. Ugly.
Worked out with my new big yellow band this afternoon raising my arms in the air with it stretched between my hands and then lowering it and my arms down my back. It does wonders for my back muscles when I'm at the computer all day and that's the way it is when the weather is in the 90s and the humidex makes it feel like 110F. Really smothering heat out there but a good opportunity to get some writing and websites done. Feet are freezing in the air-conditioning.
July 15, 2008 - Busy, busy, busy - Last Thursday I felt really sick to my stomach after Nate left. Not sure why but I had a big drink of water with some creatine and felt better in about a half hour. Did exercises with my stretch bands that night and had a bad shoulder. It's too much. I have to curb my enthusiasm and not exercise after I've exercised. I vowed to keep up the exercises but I simply forget it. I make a mental list of the things I have to do in the evening and then by 11 the light goes on and I realize I haven't worked with the bands. I always feel better when I do exercise (unless I've already had enough during the day) so it makes sense not to "forget." I managed to get in two out of four evenings which isn't too bad considering I get so pooped. Saturday we took in a classic car show in the blazing sun and heat. We were both totally exhausted and slept through most of the TVO movie and then fell into bed at 10. Sunday, I worked on the 30' piece of art I'm doing for about three hours and finally crashed. Monday I was exhausted and after writing an article, crashed for an hour and a half outside with the dog. I'm learning to lie down when I have to. It makes sense to get rested and then go back at it rather than try to work through the fatigue and feel miserable. I don't do a very good job when I'm exhausted either. What usualy stops me is the fac thay y feet are freeing, yes even n the summer, and i can't sleep with frozen feet. The heating pads are either in my bed or on the living room sofa. Ron is in the living room doing something and I don't want to go to bed. I'm going to get a heating pad for the front room (we have a front room and a living/family room - confusing) sofa and have it covered so it matches. That'll help me decide whether I crash or not. Believe it or not, I saw a beautiful moss green mohair throw on sale for $49. when I was at the car show in the heat and bought it. I sort of collect mohair throws I think... probably because I'm cold most of the time. It'll also go on the sofa in the front room. That'll help me decide to crash when I need it as well. Make it comfortable and beautiful and I'll go there!

Tomorrow JB comes and I get to find out if I've lost any weight. I've vowed not to weigh myself more often that every two weeks. Been following the food lineup and not suffering. It's pretty good and up to me to vary what I can eat as long as it's within the designated amounts.

July 8, 2008 - Sweat and honours - Nate stands in front of me as cool as a cucumber while the sweat runs down my face and drips off my chin. I wonder if people ever get to hate their trainer? He doesn't push me too much but I'll bet he does some people. That sweet smile can be deceptive. I'm just hoping he realizes that for me pain does not make gain - it can mean I'm wrecking something vital like my right shoulder but so far so good. It also frightens me when I'm standing up on my walker and I feel shaky after doing exercises. My knees can give out in a flash and I go straight down. I've broken fingers, toes and teeth, cracked foot fusions and torn out fingernails falling on a walker. No one can catch you if you're falling inside a walker.
Yesterday I was so tired I had breakfast and again crashed on the lounge outside with the dog for two hours. I told Nate and he laughed saying the best way to get through a diet is to sleep through it. Somehow I tend to agree. I'm eating fine and feel better today. Not so tired. I need to get to sleep before midnight now and up at 9. That's 10 hours and that's about what I need when I'm on 1200 calories or less a day but I notice I feel full faster now. For some reason Mondays are always very hard days for me. I'm always exhausted. Nate and I are working on resistance exercises and a couple of exercises with my Theraband stretchy stuff that I can do while watching TV. He suggested I do them every night. I just tuck the Theraband into the corner of the couch behind a pillow and it stays there. When I feel rested, around 8 or so, I drag it out and do whatever I'm supposed to do for 15 or 20 minutes while I watch something because I find exercising is such a blasted bore. Sounds like a plan.
Just received a call saying I'm to be inducted into the Terry Fox Hall of Fame. I have no idea who nominated me but whomever they are I thank them. Terry Fox is one of my heroes. I can see in his face the guts and determination it took to work through the incredible fatigue and pain he must have endured doing what he did.To die for the cause wasn't supposed to happen but it did. You never know what's going to happen in this life. Surprise, surprise!
I work through the pain every day and have it all night. It's a burning as if my behind, hips and thighs are on fire - all the time. It's caused because the nerves that go into my spinal cord to those areas are not receiving the signals right and my brain is telling me I'm burning. I'm not at all but my brain says I am and that all it takes to feel pain. I use cold packs a lot. Sometimes the only way I can get to sleep is to tuck a cold pack under the hip that's on the bed and sling a leg onto a pillow. If nothing touches my skin - I have no pain - but it's not easy to get much work done lying on your stomach with nothing on from the waist down - and what a gawdawful vision that is! As soon as something touches the skin in those areas, wham, burn. There is no rest from it. At first you don't think you can live like this but you do and you learn that you can live with a lot of things you thought would do you in.
I will always have the face of Terry Fox engraved in my mind and now I'll have a statue of him to put beside me as I work through the pain. Nice. Very nice.

July 5, 2008 - Saturday - website - Nate told me about a website that keeps track of your calories, etc. for you. It's called fitday.com. I tried it and it is good. It told me it would take me 331 days or 47 weeks and 2 days to lose 28 pounds at 0.592 pounds a week. You can also enter what you've eaten and it tells you the percentage of carbs, protein, fat,e tc. so far for the day. Pretty neat. I'm not really counting calories but need to be aware of what is in what so I don't eat something really high in calories thinking it's fine and find out I blew the entire day on it. I'm pretty good at it by now because I've come down from 175 pounds several years ago and did it by cutting portions and counting calories but this time it's weight that's been with me for many, many years that I'm trying to budge.
I'm not too stiff today and stood up to wash the breakfast dishes and cut up a box of strawberries. More standing than I've done in a long time. I was so tired after breakfast I crashed for two hours outside. Just me and the dog, dead to the world. Then the kids next door decided to go for a swim. End of nap but it was more like a sleep. Felt good though.
A bit upset from something bowelwise. Could be the liver. It's pretty rich. We'll see if the same thing happens when I have it again next week.
July 4, 2008 - Trainer Day One - Tried the baby beef liver this morning - four ounces with yellow peppers lightly sauteed in the frying pan with just a titch of Becel. It was lovely with Jack Daniels mustard. Then no fat yogurt, fresh raspberries and sunflower seeds for crunch and that was it. Spent the day working at the computer and auditing a site for an hour and a half in the hot sun but in a lovely reforestation area that was a dump.
Supper was a salad with 2 tbsp of dressing and half a lasagna in a good restaurant. My drink of choice was a virgin daquiri, not sure of the spelling. I don't drink alcohol so I've never written it before. Alcohol is toxic to the nerves and already being compromise in that direction, I see no reason to make myself worse.
Ron and I were both worn out by the time we got home at 6 but the minute we put our feet up the dog wanted feeding, then out, then in, then the neighbour started up his lawnmower. The doorbell rang at 5 to 7 and it was Nate, the trainer. So much for a rest.
I signed a document saying my heart could take the training and I wouldn't hold him liable if I keeled over, etc. and we talked. Training my body to do anything is going to take some figuring out. Yes, I need to move more and I suggested I go back to my old habit of standing while I eat. I usually read while I have beakfast at the kitchen counter. I can't carry the plates so I slide them along the counter from stove to the clear area where everything is and I eat there with the book I'm currently reviewing beside me. Perhaps if I stop reviewing during braekfast and stand up to eat, I'll strengthen some back and buttocks muscles. I feel safe standing at the counter because I can't fall over. The counter holds me up in front and the scooter catches me if I fall back and supports the backs of my leg when I stand. Any other time I do not feel safe standing.
Resistance was the way we went and pushing and pulling while he held my wrists was what we tried. I'm already getting stiff and will take a cold pack to bed with me for my right shoulder which is always the weakest part of my trunk. He suggested two times a week and I agreed but he also said that the optimum time to put in would be about five hours a week. In your dreams! However, if I drag out the Therabands and the wrist weights and we devise a program with them I might be able to manage 20 minutes in front of the TV two or three times a week and then twice a week with Nate and I might get in half of that. That would be about ten times more than I'm doing now. After 20 minutes I just lose interest. I simply go off it. There are so many better things to do than haul around a body that doesn't want to be hauled BUT I've got to do it if I don't want to weigh a ton for the rest of my life. Let's see how stiff I am tomorrow. "I can hardly wait", she said sarcastically. Off to watch Frazier and then to bed.

July 3, 2008 - Light-headed and shakey - Had everything I thought I should yesterday but by 11 p.m. I was shakey. Shared a bit of chicken with the dog and a few almonds just before bed. Went to bed a little hungry but thought it was okay. At 5 a.m. I woke up so hungry I couldn't get back to sleep. Usually it's just thirst - so I had a drink, went to the bathroom and got a new cold pack to help the pain. Then back to sleep until Ron woke me at 7 trying to keep the lounge out back out of the rain. Then back to sleep again until 8:30. By then I was so out of it I could barely think and was really shakey, light-headed and had a massive headache coming on. Instead of getting dressed, doing my hair and makeup before I eat, I got dressed quickly and headed for the kitchen. The egg and eggwhites with cheese and yellow pepper omelette went down quickly and the yogurt with raspberries and sunflower seeds disappeared while it rained outside. Beautiful! An hour later, I was back to thinking straight and felt a lot more stable. Not sure how to not get like this but I know for a fact that fish for dinner doesn't hold me. We had about five ounces of Mahi-mahi, half a baked potato with skin but nothing on it, a large salad with a bit of homemade oil and vinegar dressing and that was it except for a half glass of vegetable juice for dinner at 5 p.m. Maybe it wasn't enough and not enough carbs but it could be too many carbs. Maybe it is too long a time between 5 and 11 p.m. - six hours, then bed and another nine hours so that's 15 hours without much food at all. Maybe too long for me. I'll check with JB when I see her in two weeks.
An observation, too, that I have trouble holding my urine when I get shakey and light-headed like that. It's as if my nervous system is being compromised as well. As soon as the shakiness goes away, I'm holding it well. again.
The trainer asked to come tomorrow night at 7 p.m. I'm finished for the day big time by 7 p.m. Here's hoping he can make it in the daytime, sometime. He'll see me at my worst and hurting a lot at 7 p.m.
Ordered three pound of baby beef liver divided into four ounce bags from the organic meat shop. Will get it today. I love liver and it seems to be very high in all of the nutrients I need and it's protein so I'll have liver for breakfast a couple of times a week. Not everyone's cup of whatever for sure but with mustard I find it delicious.
I'm not asking Ron to help me get weighed until JB comes back in two weeks. Too often and it becomes an obsession. If it's coming off, it's coming off. I'll know.
Off to see my 93 year-old mum at the rest home.

July 2, 2008 - I'm half fat! Gads! - JB just left and I'm a little shocked by my body composition profile. I'm half fat. I mean I knew it was bad but half fat! Fifty-two per cent as a matter of fact. You could light my hair on fire and I'd burn like a blubber candle for weeks. My lean to fat muscle ratio is 0.9 to 1 ... for every 0.9 pounds of lean tissue I have one pound of body fat. Taking into consideration the fact that I have no muscles from the knees down and my thighs, lower arms and hands are almost gone, I'm thinking it may be a bit off but there's a lot of work to be done.
The goal is 130 pounds at 1200 calories a day and it will take about a year at 1/2 pound a week. I'm game. I'm not hungry, feel fine except for normal fatigue from my CMT, and am looking forward to some new clothes next spring.
JB suggested I get in touch with my trainer and I have. I'm wondering what he'll come up with when I can't stand, grip or lift.
She also made it clear we would repeat the body composition profile regularly to make sure I'm not wasting muscle exercising. I'm also on tap for blood tests to see if I'm getting everything I need on the diet. She suggested liver would be good to get more B6. I happen to love it so it'll be liver for breakfast a couple of times a week instead of eggs. Our new range hood should help dispell the smell that sends Ron outside. Our organic butcher shop will cut it thin for me and package it up in 1/4 pound bags. I lay it out on plastic wrap and freeze it. When I want some, I just flop it frozen in the pan, smack on the lid and let it frizzle after spraying the no-stick pan with PAM cause it never works as well with liver for some reason. Or, I microwave it and have it with mustard.
I've suggested Friday to the trainer and will report after that. He charges $40 a visit so I'd better pay attention or I'm throwing my money away.
I've tried so hard before and nothing budges. It will be truly wonderful if this works for me.
Yesterday was Canada Day. Our wonderful country is 141 years old. While at my kitchen window a formation of jets roared over. I thought to mysef how fortunate we are to live in a country where the first thing we think of when jets fly over is that there must be an air show somewhere.

June 30, 2008 - Changes already - While trying to do what the dietician suggested, I found myself really light-headed and muscles burning. So, I took a closer look at what I've been eating and there's just not enough protein there keep me going. I changed things a bit and called her. She called back and suggested exactly wat I changed. I'm on four portions of fruit/veg., three of carbs, two of dairy products, four of meat, fish or poultry and three fat. The additiona protein and fewer carbs makes a huge difference. I'm not hungry, shakey or light-headed. I'm having trouble getting the fats in and the dairy. Sometimes in the evening around 9, I'll take a look at what I've eaten all day and there are no carbs and no dairy so I get our the Finn Crisp wafers and put a thin slice of mozarella cheese on it. It's really nice. Living in Niagara I have no problem getting my fruit and veggie portions. I'm big on really nice salads, not big on salad dressing.
Visited a lovely lady on Saturday who has had MS for many years. We met because she is contemplating a short getaway to Niagara-on-the-Lake with her daughter and was checking out my www.accessibleniagara.com website. We chatted for a couple of hours on her deck while her two dogs played around us and found we have a lot in common: we are both workaholics and entrepreneurs. And, I finally met someone who is stuck in the house more than I am. She relies on her partner to take her wherever she needs to go. Don't get me wrong, this is great, but we've got to plan something together so we can get away on our own. If we see more of each other I'm betting we'll be going somewhere in the not too distant future.
This lovely lady actually bought a Versaframe so I could use her washroom. Now there's someone who's thinking! Love it! Really enjoyed our visit.
Invested in a Roc dermabrasion tool last week and have used it twice. Never had smoother skin and my face glows after I've used it. It says you can use it three times a week and I'm sure the novelty will wear off but it really works and will be terrific during the winter when my skin looks dull and needs something big time. It makes you feel good to be looking good, too.
The fact that I'm doing something about my weight means I'm not thinking about it 24/7. If there was nothing to worry about,"the weight problem" would just automatically take over. This has been going on for many years. Now I am doing something about it. Feels good!

June 26, 2008 - Getting into the program - 160 pounds - My dietician came yesterday, I'll call her J.B. She first took a reading to figure out how much muscle vs. fat I have in my body. She has to go back and do some kind of equation on an old DOS computer program to figure this out but it's to let us know if I'm wasting muscle reducing calories and exercising and not fat. With CMT any muscle loss is really not good.
She is also ordering blood tests so we can find out if I'm getting enough of the vitamins, minerals, etc. I need to keep me going on what I'm eating. I take supplements but avoid the all-inclusive type vitamins because it's so difficult to find one without B6 in it. I rely on my diet for that and other B vitamins BUT am I getting enough B12, etc. from the little portions of carbs I eat? Maybe. We'll see. We're also testing my cholesterol to see how that's doing. My GP always says it's "fine" but I work hard to keep it that way and I'd like to know how fine.
She left me with two weeks of sheets that give me five portions of fruit or veggies a day, four of grains which includes potatoes, pasta and rice, two milk products which includes yogurt, milk and cheese, two meat and meat alternative choices e.g. meat, fish, poultry, beans, eggs and peanut butter and three choices of fat e.g. butter, oil, margarine and nuts. The portions are the key: 1/2 cup of fruit or 1 small piece of fruit or one cup raw vegetables is a serving; one slice of bread, 1/2 cup of pasta or rice, 1/2 a potato is a serving; one cup of milk, 4 tbsp of yogurt and 1.5 ounces of cheese is a serving; 2 eggs or 2-3 ounces of meat, fish or poultry is a serving; 1 tsp of butter, oil or margarine is a serving. I'm to have 1150 calories a day. To further diversify my diet I Googled www.ntwrks.com/chart1a.htm and printed off a 16 page calorie list that gives you calories as well as fat grams and portion sizes. There are a lot of these on the internet. I spent about a hour going through it picking out most of the foods I eat and marking the calorie count so I can change things up a little to make it interesting.
The next step is to figure put the results of the test, get the bloodwork done and devise a real plan totally geared to me alone. I find I'm a bit light-headed somtimes. Go ahead, laugh, but it means my blood sugar is not great.
Then I connect with the trainer. This is going to be a lifelong thing - I might as well do it right.

June 16, 2008 - Such a long time - There has been such a long time between entries here simply because I lost confidence in running Dream Weaver and my computer crashed. No excuse really but I'll tell you about the computer debacle sometime. I now have the program set up so I can easily go in and change or add and it is a great relief to be able to do so at will. I've also just bought a TV for my office so I can have it on while I work. I find that somehow having my attention split between two things makes me concentrate a little less and fuss less over things that really don't matter. It works the same way with my art; divide my attention and it gets better. It's as if I put too much of myself into it if I'm totally devoted to one thing. Maybe that's why I often have three or four things going at the same time and that rarely varies. When life winnows down to one project on the go, I invariably dream up one or two more projects to further scramble the neurons.
Met with a dietician today and the outlook is hopeful. I am 66. I have gained weight over the years. Fat around my middle is pushing up into my diaphragm and I don't breathe as well as I might without it. The goal is to lose 20-25 pounds and get my weight to around 125-130 pounds. It won't be easy because I do not walk and my hands and arms are very weak. I also tire easily becasue I'm trying to do what everyone else does but with half the muscle mass. I've no muscle from the knees down and very little from the hips down. My lower arms are very weak and my hands about 75 per cent gone. Not easy to find some way to exercise but I'll find a way with a good trainer and the dietician. For the first time in years I have hope that I can make a change for the better in this old body that has held up under so much neglect and abuse. It deserves more care than I have given it...I hope it isn't too late.
As of today, I am working on a 30' piece of art depicting my life from 1942 until now. I'm doing it in 2.5 foot sections on tough paper, first in pencil and then finished in India ink. This very brave endeavour will likely take all summer and then some. I want it to be a statement on disability issues and foster awareness. The work is slated to be exhibited at the Niagara Artists' Company when finished. I'm also building a new website called NiagaraShares.com that lets people with disabilities, seniors and caregivers share finds and information. I continue with my newspaper colmun, other freelance writing and weight loss. I also have some paintings in my head I'd like to find the time to do. Large mauve and violet abstracts with a lot of black but sumptuously rich in line and feeling. My hero is Hundertwasser, the late Dutch artist. I adore his work because I can see what he's trying to say and I feel the same way.
My life is likely no different than most women experience except mine is not centred around family and home but art and writing. I feel a great deal of pressure to get these things done and meet deadlines. Sometimes I envy people who seem to have nothing to do but I also realize that I'd starve intellectually if I didn't have my creativity to keep me going.

October 3, 2006 - The new kitchen - We're having a new kitchen put in. After 17 years in this house that was brand, spanking new when we moved in, the kitchen was beginning to fade. The white, Eurostyle cupboards were yellowing, the knobs on the cook top didn't turn easily anymore, the glass window in the oven door had fallen out several times in spite of the repairman's efforts. It was time.
Having been a faithful subscriber of Architectural Digest for the last 17 years or so, I have seen hundreds of absolutely gorgeous kitchens, each costing thousands and thousands of dollars. I could spend about $12,000, a little more than a recent inheritance. That was it.
A Friday afternoon visit to Nickerson's, a local appliance store and family run business (the one my parents bought all of their appliances from when they moved into their first home), hooked us up with Charlie Jr. and he first sold us a stainless steel range hood and a stainless steel refrigerator/freezer. The vent hood had to have easy to push buttons on the front so I could reach them seated on my electric scooter. This one did. The refrigerator/freezer was made in New Zealand, for heaven's sake. I loved it because I could pull my scooter up to it and open the refrigerator door without backing up. The freezer has a door, not a drawer, on the bottom. Up top there are bins and easy roll-out shelves for everything. I can only reach the right side of the fridge so there had to be enough shelves for everything I needed on a daily basis and there were.
One thing we noticed was that this fridge was very quiet compared to our old one. Yes, it hums a bit and chortles and buzzes occasionally but the booklet that came with it explains all of these sounds. It also makes ice in no time flat and the cold packs I use under my right thigh to help ease off the constant burning stay colder two hours longer than they did with the old fridge. This is a real bonus I hadn't counted on. It's a Fisher-Paykel.
The next Friday afternoon, we went back to Nickerson's and bought a stove top; the kind made of porcelain with no actual burners.
I remember when my mother would finally clean the stove burners. She'd have to soak the little pans that went under them in the sink for half a day because there was so much food burned on them. She simply hated the job. Mom was an antiques dealers and a very talented artist. She looked after dad, three kids and a house but her heart was in the carousel horse in the kitchen she was stripping of 80 years of old paint. We knew that, so when the kitchen started looking like a dump site, sometimes we'd pitch in and clean. Sometimes we wouldn't. It couldn't have been easy for her. I remember once the kitchen being so bad that I just started at one end and worked around to the other. It wasn't terrible and it wasn't disgusting but everything was just left. You could tell it wasn't a priority with her and who could blame her..she had far more exciting and creative things on her mind. To this day, I still start at one end and go to the other when I'm clearing my office of paper or doing any kind of a job.
The third Friday we went and bought an oven. In between Nickerson's, I had searched out the local manufacturers showrooms and bought new sink fixtures, arranged for a floor man to come and do an estimate and thought I had someone to do the counter top. He quit after one visit. Said it was too much for him. It was easy to arrange a replacement from the company he dealt with. I also found an electrician to put in new face plates in the white ceramic backsplash. They had always been cream and no longer worked with the tiles I'd had out up about ten years ago.
Last Saturday, Ron came home with a new microwave, again steel, and a new set of stainless steel cookware. He does the cooking so pots are his domain.
So, in sequence, the counter man came and measured, the installer came and vented the range hood to the outside and had it working in no time. He said he'd be back when the counter man returned so that they could install the new counter, cook top and oven all at once. They did and the timing worked perfectly. No mistakes, no problems. Sounds like fiction doesn't it? The electrician came and put in new porch lights (they were all pitted from pollution) and the new white face plates on the back splash. When he was about to close up the switch plates, he squirted in foam insulation and it expanded so much that by morning we couldn't budge the switches. His boss came back the next morning, dug out the foam, redid everything and it works fine. No panic. Today the new floor is being finished up and the only thing left is a new paint job for the cupboards. I've been promised mid-October.
One thing I've noticed is that everything new is faster and stronger. My old kitchen was like a very old woman. It was gentle, it was soft like my mother's 91 year-old cheeks. The light in the microwave was sort of yellow, the microwave hummed softly when you turned it on, it seemed to heat more gently and always stopped where I could reach the handle of my tea cup. The stove top knew what I wanted and did my three minute egg perfectly. The new one does a three minute egg perfectly in two. The old oven let me look into the broiler 15 times if I wanted to but this one doesn't want you to open the door when you broil. It's private stuff... you have to peer through the window in the door. I can't say I want my old kitchen back but there is something to be said about familiar things. Just like us, kitchens wear out and, when we can, we replace them with shiney new. Too bad we can't replace us with shiney new but keep the gentleness that has evolved inside throughout the years intact. I could use some shiney new but the new kitchen will just have to do.
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October 3, 2006 - Why this diary
How often have I had the urge to write but hadn't wanted to sit down at the computer? How often have I written complete stories in my head and let them float off into the ether simply because I hurt too much and was too tired to do anything about them?
The thought of writing an online diary has often crossed my mind and what better place to put it than on my own website.
I'm a writer, for heaven's sake! Writing is for me like eating. I'd rather put fingers to keys than anything else in the world with the exception of being held by my husband or loving my dog. Give me an empty book and I see endless possibilities. I get excited. I begin. I write. The thoughts come, the stories begin to take shape and usually a satisfying ending pops up when it should.
No one will likely ever see this, but if they do, here's an open window to the mind of a 64-year-old, married sister, daughter and disabled woman who writes, paints and does what she does to get on with life. Please forgive the typos. I try but I type with my two longest fingers made stiff by winding bowling pencils through them. Sometimes my fingers have a mind all their own. I'll put in entries after this introduction and the first will become the last with the latest at the beginning. Got that?