Q and A

Meeting the opposite sex

Q: I fear going out with women, not because I'm shy (I'm not shy) but because of what they will think of my braces when they see them. I wear leg braces and usually wear long trousers to cover my legs. My hands are functioning pretty good now although they seem to be a bit narrow because of CMT. I pray they remain this way till I die! It seems women are afraid of guys with physical problems, so I don't know how to make contact with a woman (not to mention a love affair). This situation embarrasses me a great deal and I really don't know what to do. I think I should get some counselling for myself and the sooner the better. Can you give me any advice?

Psychiatrist Dr. Simone Blajan-Marcus of France answers this question: Men and women, especially when young, are more interested in their looks than before or later. I could sum up two main attitudes towards oneself. The first one could be defined by the following sentence: "What do I look like?" The other: "How do I feel?" In other terms, some people live their lives, others look at themselves living. They are somewhat exterior to their being. Most of the time, the latter privilege criticism over compliments. They are the ones who will not believe in the sincerity of a friend telling them they are pretty or intelligent and will brood a whole sleepless night over a pique or an insult by a perfect stranger. In fact, these people do not like themselves, and this, in turn, may be an internalization of a feeling of rejection by one parent in the past.

Especially when a person has CMT or any other handicap, at first, his or her parents might reject such a child, even so slightly, and afterwards, overcompensate out of guilt, but the youth knows, within himself, that his parents or siblings are ambivalent. So, the youth (and even an adult) will hear only the inevitable criticism, remark, the rejection gestures, and oversee any movement of tenderness or a sincere appraisal. This gives the subject a sense of insecurity which threatens his feeling of self-value. Also, hating oneself may be a way of "fishing" for a protest of love from others unconsciously.

Braces are visible, at least in some intimate situations, therefore they betray the disability and can become an obsession to the extent that some people will refuse to wear them at the risk of pain and accidents. The other alternative is to stop meeting the other sex on a flirtatious ground.

How to cope with this problem? The first step, I think, is to accept, even love, oneself, with CMT braces, faults and all. What we feel about ourselves is contagious, others will follow.

But how to learn to love oneself? This is the fundamental problem. There is no such answer to it as "All there is to do is.." Maybe one of the principles is to stop wanting to be perfect, to accept that everybody has flaws. Besides, no progress can be achieved by not accepting failures. Bruises and falls are the way we learn to walk, figuratively speaking, as well. The same way, a disability can teach us to become more human, more humble, therefore more lovable, even more attractive.